I need your help. I recently did an interview about the blog, and a question surfaced that left me speechless: "Can you tell our readers about your blog?" It seemed like a simple question but it had me stumpped. What is my blog about?! Drinking too much and my awkward interactions with the pedestrian public?
It forced me to sit down and do some comparative analysis of other bloggers, and this my hypothesis...
There are 3 types of bloggers:
1. The Cake-Face Babe. This slutty girl next door spends hours contouring her face simply to promote Fit Tea, and Charcoal Teeth Whitener. She spends her days Facetuning her skin and lightning her eyes, and at night she likes to go out and get shitty only to blame her promiscuous nighttime activities on "getting roofied." She has 260K followers
2. The Steroid Stud. He doesn't own a shirt, and his instagram is flooded with videos of him in various intervals of heavy lifting. His eyes don't blink because he is in a perpetual 'roid rage, and ironically all of his friends are also very tan, shirtless, and vein-y... (What do you call a grouping of meatheads? -A herd? A pack? A colony? -Or- just trash?) If you happen to see this rare species in person you will be able to identify him by his distinct smell of Aqua Di Gio. When he isn't being a "fashion blogger", he is busy running his Fans Only page. He has 325K followers.
3. The Cool Mom. She isn't a regular mom, she's a cool mom. Baby blogging has been booming lately, and she's been trying to get knocked up again to keep her IG engagement rate up... Who knew a bunch of strangers were so interested in watching a baby grow-up on the gram. [Like mother] This baby isn't a regular baby, it's a cool baby. They don't spit up or cry, they simply vogue and smize. Dressed in the hottest new tutu and floral headband for her hairless head, comfort comes secondary to this fashion-forward baby blogger! You can see them out in front of the Paul Smith pink wall, or wearing tiny sunglasses at a douchey $15 coffee place. The baby doesn't know its IG famous yet, but hitting the charts at 97K followers... while the thirst mongrel mother has a mere 36 followers.
As my research shows, in order to stay relevant, I need to put myself in one of these 3 categories! [DRUM ROLL....] So let me introduce you to the newest member of METROsektual... Baby Bologne! It [gender fluid] arrived in perfect time for Father's Day! Anyone can be a daddy, but it takes a special someone to be a D.I.L.F.
