Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It's the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It's wanting friends but hate socializing. It's wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It's caring about everything then caring about nothing. It's feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly numb.
Alcohol is my popular companion to drink in celebration and drink from frustration. Seeing as how it’s a depressant and a source for anxiety, I decided I was going to ______ drinking [for awhile]. I left that blank because I've gotten so much flack for that verb. When I said "quit" I was backlashed with aggressive comments, "What happened?” (as if instantly inferring that something bad had happened ) "Why?" and "That'll never last". When I said "cut back" I sounded like one of those hypocritical vegans that preach their healthy-eating lifestyle, yet only eating French fries, bread, and candy.
Regardless, I've been well-behaved. (Also debateable). Truth be told, my life is very stressful and I wanted to see what it felt like completely clear-headed.
I thought maybe I hated everything about LA because I had a perpetual hangover. In actuality, it was the same ol’ bullshit and everyone was even more annoying, clearer! I also thought I would lose weight, Biggest Loser style! Without the 2 a.m. Jack and the Box dinners, and without the "I'm too hungover" skipped gym days, I was confident I'd get Brad Pitt's Fight Club body. Sadly I am beginning to believe this "bloat" is just my body type.
Most important, my anxiety/depression didn't lesson at all. I'd go as far as saying my depression actually got worse. Waking up just to go to the gym, go to work, go home to eat dinner, and go to sleep by 9:30 is no way to live... It's a depressing jail sentence.
In conclusion, I learned a lot! I saw friends true colors: the ones who judged my decisions and ghosted when I wasn’t there to be a drinking buddy, and the ones who didn't need me to have a vodka in my hands to enjoy my intoxicating personality!
Everything is good in moderation, except anxiety and depression, and for that we have pills!
