#blacklivesmatter

I am sad. I try to keep a positive outlook on life, and it's been pretty fucking difficult lately.

I am saddened by what took place in my home state of Minnesota. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of what his family is going through and disheartened to find out how many families have gone through similar situations. I'm frustrated that due to this pandemic, I can't surround myself with friends and family to talk through how we are feeling and our personal stresses and anxieties surrounding these major world issues.

I have gotten a lot of heat lately which is what I want to openly discuss. I haven't posted anything in almost a week and that is where the hate is coming from. I have read over and over again that we all need to address uncomfortable issues for people to be understood, and although this issue is nowhere near the magnitude of the #blacklivesmatter movement, I wanted to have an open dialogue because I feel uncomfortable (and I am sure I am not the only one).

I was silent on Instagram because I wanted to pause and listen. I wanted to respect the lives that we lost and take in the movement that was happening around me. I didn't feel like it was appropriate for me to post a photo in an over thought out outfit on some colorful street corner with a Black Lives Matter caption. (Which from the amount of hate I received, you'd think is what happened...or that I was handing out Pepsi to solve world peace a la Kendall Jenner). I was simply taking it all in. 

Then everyone posted a black square, then don't hashtag the black square, then saying if you post the black square you are just silencing the movement. From there "silence is violence"  started trending -and the aggressive emails started flowing in… 

I didn't post, but that doesn't mean I wasn't on there just the same. I read peoples' stories, I watched IG Lives, I cried, I felt scared, angry, and I felt empowered. Just because I went to a protest and didn't post about it, or made a donation and didn't screenshot it, or read a post and felt their sadness and didn't repost it, doesn't make me a bad person. When everybody speaks, not everyone can listen. [I can run my mouth on just about anything, but this is not my time to be heard, I was taking everything in, and listening] -I learned so much from hearing personal stories and struggles and that is how we make change. Understanding and educating and learning.

I was raised to look, talk, and treat everyone equally with respect …and although there is always room to grow, I found out (through this movement) not everyone was lucky enough to have been raised the same way. 

Contrary to my satirical rhetoric of this blog, I am the most compassionate person. I have talked a lot about my anxiety and I feel it stems from me trying to emotionally take on the world's problems. It's exhausting, and that is why I have so much love for all the people doing their part, standing up for what is right, and changing the world. It's a time for change and for everyone's voice to be heard, so let's not use a social platform to label and put people in boxes because they post or don't post. It sounds so silly to even be having this conversation with the state of the world, but the big picture is we make change by coming together not tearing people apart [anywhere].

With that being said, everything I do, or don't do seems to have a lot of angry people coming after me, but I hope this sheds some light.

#BlackLivesMatter