It was then that I had to ask myself the uncomfortable question…
Was LA not fun anymore, or am I just not fun anymore?
When I think of Los Angeles, I think about my early 20’s and having the time of my life. My days were spent working out, going to the beach and going to castings and my nights were: Monday’s at Area, Tuesday’s at Winston’s, Wednesday’s at Hyde, Thursday’s at Les Duex, Friday’s at Teddys and Saturday’s at GOA. My circle ran deep and we’d get to the front of every line, attended every event and were at the same tables with the celebrities I used to watch on TV…after-parties in the hills, waiting in line for the bathroom between Matthew McConaughey and David Beckham, and MK Olsen passing me a joint. (Saying that is cringe and douchey but necessary for context.) -Living my best life! -My luck continued, I had outgrown the Los Angeles modeling market, and I got signed to a New York modeling agency. I picked up, packed up, and moved. I LOVE NY but this time I was rode hard and put away wet, and after 4 [tough] years, I headed back west. When I returned back to Los Angeles I was thinking I’d jump right back into my old life again, but unfortunately I was 4 years older, my friends were 4 years older and our lives looked very different (careers, relationships, babies…) -And all those places we spent all those nights, were no longer in business, or no longer relevant. -Much how I was feeling about my own particular life; irrelevant. The years went on and I feel more and more of a disconnect, living in a city that holds my favorite memories, but is so foreign to me now… But I stayed because, to be honest, I hate the weather or political beliefs everywhere else.
I just wonder in present day Los Angeles, if people in their 20’s are having the time of their life (and I am just old)? Or if LA kinda sucks now and my memories are just relics of my youth …and a time when Los Angeles was also in it’s prime?
That’s the thing about memories, creating them is the most wholesome human experience, and looking back on them is one of life’s simple pleasures… but to me, it all just makes me really sad. It’s a reminder that those were the best times of my life, and now they are over. Each day passing is further and further from my reality. You can try to replicate (make new memories) but it’s never quite the same. I just find it oddly coincidental that as I got older and I physically changed, so did my relationship with this city and its opportunities.
Do you remember all the “it gets better” campaigns in the 2000’s? Someone spent millions and millions of dollars to get every celebrity, every tv and internet personality to give heart-warming monologues over dramatic music to tell people that life will get better. I would love to have a re-cap reunion with all those people and see how life is going for them?… For me, time has taken away my career, shredded my confidence, took my innocence and left me up shit creek without a paddle. I spent over a decade in a career that was based solely on my looks. Usually when you spend that amount of time at a job, you have worked your way up the ladder into a promising career. You aren’t working twice as hard for half the work, to then be dropped from the boards, and left in your late 20’s with only photos as a currency for your resume. Starting your life in your 30’s is a humbling and humiliating experience. For the past decade, my peers focused on their relationships, started families and are well into their careers, and my dreams had me focused only on my career… I just picked the wrong career to invest in. While most of my friends have moved out of LA, are married with kids, buying houses…I have none of that! -And I can’t help but feel I am getting punished for chasing my dreams. I’m pretty sure all those Disney movies about dreaming big ended with them living happily ever after. -Not in their late 30’s, single, washed up, dried up, reminiscing in a cringe blog about “the good ol days” … DREAM BIG you stupid kids!
