It's that time of the month again. If you haven't read some of my earlier work, I don't blame you, but I discussed how men get their period, also. The red tide is high and I'm extremely irritable. It's time for another segment of me airing my grievances.
1. I go to Starbucks multiple times a day. Why do people wait by the napkin bar for their drink? I know you like to be close to your people, the trash. -But some people want a straw. YES, I want a plastic straw. Because life is short and I enjoy my coffee through plastic instead of all over my face in those horrific sippy cups. I think the Sea Turtles would understand.
2. Coronavirus. There are nearly 7.53 billion people in the world. 2,000 people have died from Coronavirus. Here in LA, Someone coughs and there is always some smartass in every social situation that says "I don't want CORONA!" We could be so lucky. But more importantly, why do you think you are SO special that you would be one of those select people? I pray for natural selection (all the time) to rid the world of people like you, but unfortunately you are not cultured enough to have traveled abroad so I guess you dodged another bullet, peasant.
3. I hate influencers. I hate that they hawk shitty products [they don't use], I hate that they are butter faces and butter bodies with a skill at photoshop, and I hate that they are so generic even their captions all sound the same. "Everyone keeps asking me about my skincare", "Monday Mood", "Vibes", "What are your plans for the weekend?" Because for engagement these clones ask open ended questions...
-Do you really want to know what my plans are for the weekend?... My dream weekend would consist of me finding you in the middle of the street, jumping in the air (for that perfect shot) in your cheap ass FashioNova tracksuit (that you paid for) while your square-bodied girlfriend/boyfriend art directs you from your iPhone 6. I would be texting and driving and turn a blind eye to the fashion roadkill in front of me. ...
Too far?
4. There is a special place in hell for people who complain about being thirsty, and when they finally drink a sip of water they make a very audible "AHHHHHHH" sound.
5. This touches on #3 but meatheads on Instagram who film themselves working out. I don't like to go to the gym, why would I want to watch you do pull-ups at the gym? I will say it once and I'll say it again... Unless you fell off the treadmill, NOBODY wants to watch you workout.
6. I have been driving a lot lately, hence my road rage references here... But if I decide to be a good simeritian and let you "in"... and you don't wave to thank me... Watch out. I will literally turn into Charlize Theron from Monster on your ass. The last time this happened I horned someone for 3 city blocks. I bet that "Baby on board" isn't sleeping anymore. You're welcome. I have a Jeep Liberty in a sea of Tesla's and G-Wagons... Test me, I have NOTHING to lose!
7. I have also mentioned this in the past but it needs repeated. "Girl-Bosses"- cool. Find your power, girl... But how do women get away with these female only companies, workspaces, affiliations? You want to be treated equally and show your power... and you choose to do so by seclusion and backward thinking. Very progressive! #MeToo, I'll start a men only company and see how that resonates with you.
While you digest all of that, I am going to eat my bodyweight in Panda Express. When I am on my period I have no self control and insatiable appetite.
At least I’m not pregnant.
