I don't know how to start this, so I will start by saying I'm devastated. Since I heard about the crash I feel like I am getting perpetually punched in the kidney and the knot in my throat hasn't gone away…and I still don’t believe it is real.
Some people just get you. The first day I met Seth, we just "got-each-other" and ended up spending all night and into the early hours of morning, outside our apartment, talking about our life's stories. We had very similar parallels that few people would be able to relate to. Highs not many could understand and lows that nobody could fathom. At the end of the night (I may have had a couple too many White Claws) but I remember him saying to me "no matter what happens here (in his situation) you will always be loved and be my friend."
I've never met anyone who understood me quite like Seth. He knew that when I was being anti-social and low energy that I wasn't mad at anyone or upset, but that my anxiety was out of control. Or when I didn't want to leave my apartment, or not go to dinner, it wasn't that I didn't want to, but my depression was debilitating at that moment. He understood; because he was also going through it.
One of the few things stronger than our connection was his connection with Sophie. The first time she met him, she humped his leg, and every day since that was her preferred leg to "play with." Sophie loves cotton so for Christmas one year I got Seth some cotton sweatpants and some organic coffee... -There was some colon cleanse he was into at the time and if it's not organic "it's shit." He got so excited you would have thought I got him a Tesla. That was the thing about Seth, he cared so much and made everyone he loved feel special. Knowing I was between jobs and didn't have much money, he wanted me to feel special for the silly gift I had given him... Sometimes I think that is what we had most in common, [in life] we both cared too much and took on the world's problems. From day one he always put me under his wing...If I was upset, he would always make me smile before I left. -But my favorite thing about him was his crass sense of humor. The meme's we would send, and inside jokes... #NSFW.
I don't know how to deal with death. I mean I'm sure nobody does. I appreciate the thoughtfulness of "I'm sorry" -I guess you are supposed to respond with a "Thank you" but I really want to just talk about him... "OMG remember that time when his girlfriend spent hours in the kitchen making a gourmet dinner and to gas her up Seth said, "Hey Brett wanna go to Mac Donalds (that what he called it) instead." (just to get a reaction) -or- "Remember that time we all put on his girlfriend's bras over our shirts while talking trash about the celebs at the Oscars?"... (I am still not sure why we did that) -or- "Remember that time we played "Clue" because everyone was on a juice cleanse and there was nothing else to do on a Friday night."
Writing this is my form of grieving. For me, the passing means I can't make any new memories with him and I am so scared (with time) I will forget some of these memories. -And that makes me incredibly sad. 😢
2 years ago, for my birthday Seth wrote me the sweetest card I have ever received. I put it in a special place because it meant so much to me. He passed away one day after my birthday. [I don't understand it] but apparently when it's your time to go, it's your time to go... but I can't help but think he waited it out one more day until after my birthday to not cause me pain on my day.
The last time I saw you, when you were moving out, you gave me your favorite t-shirt because you knew how much I loved it. I will keep it forever and as per your instructions I will not put it in the washer but only get it dry cleaned. 😉 Writing this has been extremely emotional but it also warms my heart of so many good times. I wasn't going to post this, and just keep it private in my notes, but Seth was my number one fan here. Every time I posted a blog he would read and tell me how talented I was and that I needed to do something with my writing... So Seth this one's for you!!
Like he said on the first night we met... [Seth:] you WILL always be loved and you WILL always be my friend. Sophie will always love you the most. -And I will miss you dearly. RIP Seth 💔
Some "keepsakes" to always remember you:
Forever Sophie’s Favorite
Birthday Card 3/1/2020 😢
Happiest at Mac Donalds
Your favorite t-shirt you gave me with the preface: “you better take pictures in it”
The photo you took of me in Malibu
Sophie literally in a cone, going to “pound town”
The photo you texted to retouch, that literally needed no retouching
Been listening to LANY’s “Malibu” because “I actually like this one” and don’t think I didn’t notice Dominic Fike’s song “Elliot’s Song” came out on Apple Music the day I found out. I’ve been listening to it on repeat and it will forever break my heart and now be “Seth’s Song”.