You truly are man’s (my) best friend. Happy Birthday Sophie!

I normally don't like to get this personal…

I’m going to give the trash of the world a free pass today.

Just own your shit. Literally.

Have you heard the term “ripped a new asshole?”

Why is alcohol the only thing that makes me feel happy?

Don't come for me unless I send for you!

I am a sloppy mess, and I am doing the best I can with that.

…As Kristin Cavallari would say, "The bitch is back".

#parenting

Remain humble, but let those MF-ers know.

Just be yourself, that annoyingly-awful-delusional piece of shit self.